Happiness is overrated

Happiness IS overrated.  I used to think that in life one must pursue happiness above all other aspirations.  I believed happiness to be our highest achievement.  Now I realize that it’s just an emotion, no more no less than any other human emotion.  Certainly not one that I must depend on.    

I’ve read many articles on happiness.  One that connects happiness with sisterhood, and one that argues that happiness comes with age.  Ultimately I concluded that happiness is measured by longevity.  Many studies suggest that happy people live longer.

For Niko’s sake, I’ve abandoned these theories.  Her life will be unjustly short.  So screw all the articles.  What sort of happiness-privilege will Mila gain from having a little sister who will teach her about death at an early age?  What is to be said about the fact that Niko will never ripen like a good wine?  Am I to believe that she should fall into the extremely unhappy side of the scale because she will not reach longevity? 

Or is she someone who is considered “blessed with ignorance and bliss” due to her cognitive delays?  I don’t dare think about what she will or will not mentally grasp as she grows.

So I’m not thinking about happiness anymore.  Not for a long while.  But I’m not depressed.  I refuse to live with depression or self-loath or hatred for the world.  When I first received Nikola’s diagnosis, I felt nothing but pain and anguish. The pain is still here and it’s indescribable.  That doesn’t get any easier.  But now I have discovered a new emotion, a brand new feeling. 

It’s a new kind of pain, a pain that doesn’t immediately equate to “bad”. In fact I don't even wish for this pain to go away.  I liken this new kind of pain to the sensation of listening to a sad song, a sad song that sings of your heartache with devastating accuracy. You cry when you listen to it, but you listen to it over and over again. You even love the song.  So this new pain is my new normal.  It's my new constant.  It may ebb and flow, but it's consistently here, tinging my maternal love for Niko.  It's been over a month since we discovered Niko's condition.  This new pain soothes me as it bandages the original deep cut.  This new pain is calming, dare I say beautiful.  

 

As long as I have Niko I will feel this pain.  Niko’s condition will not improve. In fact it's the nature of this disease to progressively worsen.  After Niko dies, this pain will be replaced by one that will be “bad”.  So I’d like to hang on to Niko for as long as her little heart will beat, and I’ll hang on this this new pain. 

Recently I heard the words from Adele’s song, Someone Like You and I cried as I thought of Niko.  I know that song is about a romantic relationship but these following words in particular choked me up. 

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

5 months